COVID-19 Blog Series: The “Fixing” Reflex
We can all think of a time we were feeling down and went to a friend or family member to share what was happening. We wanted connection and to feel that we were heard. However, within minutes (or seconds!), our friend or family member instead began to give us advice and how to fix our problem. Then, we leave frustrated and angry, perhaps even promising to never go to that person for emotional support again.
This is a bad sequence of events that encourages arguments and harsh feelings between two people. One person simply wants to share, but the other only gives their opinion of how to fix it. The conversation continues with why that “fix” doesn’t work, which frustrates the other person, and both are left angry.
I know I’ve been on the receiving end of thoughtless advice and been guilty of just spitting out “fixes.” It’s a reflex that occurs. When someone isn’t doing well, of course we want to help them. Even with children at home, when the child has a problem, don’t we want to give a quick fix and see them smile again? But when you give that quick fix, are you really showing empathy and how to relate to other people?
I hope to go more into detail in future posts about how to intentionally listen to others, but for now, here are some ways to keep your “fixing” reflex in check.
What have they already tried? Find out what’s been done already or what the person has already tried. Nothing is more frustrating than getting “advice” that’s already been tried and didn’t work.
Find out more information. Instead of fixing it, learn as much as you can about the situation. Don’t assume anything, but at the same time don’t make this an interrogation.
Ask the person. Instead of giving a “fix” or a solution, ask the person what you can do to help them. I find myself asking this to my students after every conversation, “What else can I do to help you move forward?”
It’s natural to want to help others. However, minimizing misunderstandings is so important especially during this COVID-19 crisis. The next time someone shares a problem or issue, try to learn as much about what’s going on and how the person is feeling rather than throwing out a fix. Remember, people are not like math problems in school that you have to figure out.
